Reflections and Testimony

I have been so busy lately. It seems like these past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind, especially last week. I gave my work notice a while ago but they just found someone to replace me this week. Last week was the last day my babysitter was available so this week I had to train the new dietitian but had no babysitter for Raegan. So on sunday ( Mother's Day) we took Raegan up to my parents house. We had a nice dinner with my brother and his family and my parents and then Josh and I left Raegan with Grandma and Pop Pop. I went in to work on monday all day and then had to go back on tuesday then I came home and packed and went up to Baltimore. Yesterday my grandmother Isabelle came over to my mom's house and I made dinner and today Raegan and I headed back home. Last week I also had my last MOPS meeting of the year and had quite a bit to prepare for that. So it's been busy. But MOPS is now over for the year ( sadly) and I should be done with my job as well so hopefully things around here will settle down for a little while. But I regret that I have been so busy that I haven't really had much of a chance to blog about my reflections lately. So I will share some now that I finally have a chance.

Last year I shared on Mother's Day about how that day is filled with mixed emotions for me. It is no different this year and I don't think it will ever change. I am so thankful to be a mom especially Raegan's mom. I love that on mother's day I am a mom. I love every day that I am a mom. But I still hurt on Mother's Day at the same time. I will never forget the feelings that I had on the Mother's Days when I was longing to be a mom but couldn't be. I will never forget having to leave church services because it was too hard to be there. I was glad this year that our church didn't make a big deal out of mother's day. I don't think it's bad to celebrate Mother's Day but I just think that so often on holidays like that we forget that while many people celebrate there are also many people who are in pain. I think I have come to realize that holidays are polarizing. You are either really happy and excited or really sad and maybe even angry. On days like Mother's Day I feel bi -polar, meaning I feel the joy and I feel the pain all at the same time. I can't let go of the pain I have felt in the past. And I can't let go of knowing that there are others who are presently experiencing the pain I experienced in my past. But all at the same time I am filled with the joy that comes from being Raegan's mommy. I am still thankful for this journey that God has me on. It's not easy but it's exciting to see God's plans unfold. I don't know what He has in store for our family in the future but I am excited to be on this journey full of happiness, joy and pain.

The other week at MOPS I was asked to share my testimony. I decided to share my testimony of becoming a mommy. I thought I would share it here on my blog for those who would like to read it....

I have been asked to share my testimony before and usually when I hear Testimony I think about sharing how I came to know the Lord. How I decided to begin a personal relationship with God. I usually share about how God has granted me eternal life through my decision to follow him but this morning I want to share my story about becoming a Christian gave me life but how becoming a mom has taught me how to live.

I grew up in a great family. We went to Catholic church, attended sunday school and I was always a “good kid” ( well after I got past my temper tantrum stage). I was the youngest of 3 kids born 8 years after my brother. I say that I was an "accident" but my parents always told me that I was a " great surprise". I always wanted my parents to have another baby after me since I was so much younger than my brothers but that never happened ( and I don’t really blame them). Looking back this may have been one of the reasons that my desire to be a mommy was so strong in my life. I can remember being a child and playing with my cabbage patch dolls almost exclusively. I even remember sometimes playing make believe and imagining that I was an adult, married to my prince charming and pregnant with a baby ( I would even stick pillows under my shirt). I loved playing dolls and I dreamt of the day that I would get to grow up to be a mommy.

I had a pretty easy life and I had the best parents and family anyone could ask for. I faced some challenges with friends especially in high school and I dealt with some tough times with my mom being diagnosed with depression but those things worked out and I think they helped me in making my decision in high school to become a Christian. So I have been a Christian for a while but I don’t think I really understood what being a Christian meant until recently.

I have been married for almost 5 years. I met my husband the summer after I graduated college. After we got married I started experiencing back pain and numbness. I went to many doctors about it but ended up at a neurosurgeon who diagnosed me with spina bifida occulta. As a result I had to undergo major spinal cord surgery. And subsequently fell into a deep depression because of the steroids I had to be on. It was a tough time for both of us and I can remember the pain from the surgery was really bad but the most painful part of this time for me was the fact that all of our siblings were having babies around the same time and instead we were dealing with recovering from a major surgery. Now don't get me wrong, I love all of my nieces and nephews to pieces. It was just painful because I wanted to be a mom myself and instead of being pregnant, I was dealing with major surgery. The one thing that got me through that time was knowing that once I was fully recovered we too could start our family.

So about 6 months later we decided to try to start trying to have a baby. After several months with no success I asked my doctor if he could run some tests. The first tests that were run gave us our answer. We were diagnosed as being infertile and our only option would be IVF with pre implantation genetic diagnosis. This was truly a moment of testing. We had talked before about our beliefs and this was something we didn’t believe in but it was our only option to having a biological child. It was crushing news but our decision was made and we were not going to pursue infertility treatments but instead we would pursue adoption.

I began all of the paperwork and research we needed to do to start our adoption process. I looked at all different programs and agencies. It was overwhelming to say the least. We started having social workers come into our home to make sure we were fit to be parents. We had to start shelling out thousands of dollars in adoption expenses. We would be told by different people how long an adoption process could take. And while I began feeling God changing my heart and opening my eyes to the beauty of adoption, there were many times when I would cry out to him and ask why this had to happen to me. I was the one who everyone would say would make a great mom. I was the one who didn’t really care at all about getting a degree in college because I hoped to never use it anyway; i just wanted to be a stay at home mom anyway. I was the one who used to play “pregnant” as a little girl because I already had the desire to be a mommy so badly. It was a painful, daunting and expensive process. But we kept going because we knew in our hearts the reward at the end would be more than worth all of it. It was May when we found out our fertility diagnosis. In October we made our final decision about which program to go with and we decided on domestic infant adoption. In December we received a call telling us about a birthmother situation we might want to send our profile to and on December 28th of last year we were told that we were selected to be the adoptive parents to this young woman’s baby. On February 2nd , 2008 I became a mommy to the sweetest, most beautiful little girl, Raegan Isabella.

God has taught me so much through this adoption. Looking back I can see God’s fingerprints all over every step. I know that He saw every tear that I cried. He wanted me to rest in Him because He had it all under control. You see during that time of pain when we were going through the adoption process, it was so painful to see pregnant women or to hear about pregnant friends because I so badly wanted to be pregnant. What I didn’t realize is that I was pregnant during that time. What I mean by that is that we found out about our infertility in May and Raegan was born in February 9 months later. When I cried out to God in May He already knew that I was expecting a child in 9 months. God had already conceived her, but instead of having me carry her and deliver her He decided to place her directly into my arms through an angel.

Through this adoption I have been able to help others who are in pain. I have a sensitivity to woman who experience infertility. And I have a greater appreciation for the gift of children. I think as moms in moments of stress we forget how precious our children are. We live in a society where often times children are thought of as being inconvenient. I want everyone who has children to remember how blessed you are to have your children. There are some woman who long to have children and never can or have to wait years upon years to do so.

But I think the main thing that God has taught me through the adoption of my daughter is how much He loves me and loves all of us. You see God always had a desire to adopt us. He wants us all to be adopted into His family. And yet many of us continue to turn away from God. We think we don’t need Him. We think we can live our life better as an orphan in this world apart from Him. Through my experiences I was able to catch a glimpse of the pain God must feel when we decide we don’t want Him to adopt us. There is nothing that God wouldn’t do for us in order for us to be adopted into His family. God gave His only son for us. That is how badly He wants our life. When Josh and I were going through the adoption process it was hard, it was expensive, it was stressful. But the moment we held Raegan we knew the pain was worth it. There is no price too high, no amount of pain or anxiety too great that would make Raegan not worth it all. I also learned that even if we have already become Christians, we have already been adopted by God that He still longs for us to come to Him, to trust in Him, to spend time with Him. I think a lot of times we become Christians and for a while we are excited about spending time reading our Bibles or praying but then it kind of fades off and we start spending little or no time with God. I often tell people my favorite memory of Raegan and I is the first time I held her, when I felt like it was God placing my daughter right in my arms. But now that she is 1, I still love every moment with her. Every time she climbs up in my lap or reaches her arms out for me to pick her up it still melts my heart. Our heavenly father desires for us to be adopted as His children but after we have been adopted He still desires for us to spend time with Him praying to Him, reading His words to us through the Bible, allowing Him to hold us when we are afraid, to comfort us when we are in pain and to rejoice with us when we are happy.

I feel so blessed by the adoption journey that God has planned for us. Not only because I got to become a mommy but because in doing so I learned how to be a Holy daughter. I am so thankful for my God who loves me so much that He has not only given me the gift of eternal life but He has also fulfilled the desires of my heart, to be a wife and a mommy. I am so thankful that I am adopted by Him and I am also thankful for the journey of adoption that God has taken my family on and allowed us to catch a glimpse of how He feels about us, Children of God.